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Hi – intro
Hi everyone – I’m Holleyanne. I’m 40, and have been overweight since I entered puberty, though it didn’t get really out of hand until my late 20s maybe? After I quit working childcare and got an office job. My weight has always been wrapped up in depression and comfort eating, but I also just preferred reading and computers and introverted inside things over any kind of routine activity.
I’ve been between 250 – 300 lbs for most of the past decade. I worked hard in 2017-2018 and lost almost 75 pounds from my then highest weight ever… And then quickly started the cycle over again – over the next few years I went up 40 lbs, down 20, up 35, down 20… Then things got really bad. Depression went out of control, diabetes ramped up out of control, weight went sky high. From Oct 2021 – Oct 2022, I gained 75 lbs, and reached my all-time high of 338 lbs.
I went to my psychiatrist and therapist for help (they are in the same practice), and they offered me extra help (reduced rates for their services) if I committed to weekly weigh-ins and working with their nutritionist, etc. I lost 50 lbs over the next year, mainly with changing how I eat, working on my depression, and getting my diabetes under control with my primary care doctor. Rybelsus (an oral form of semaglutide) helped a lot.
I have seasonal depression (I have chronic clinical depression, but winter is way worse), and I was so proud of only fluctuating 5 lbs this whole winter. Then things went bad again, I got off the Rybelsus (it’s complicated…) and I went back over 300 for the first time in almost 3 years. Ugh!!
I’m a picky eater, a stress eater, I’m sedentary, and most of the time it’s easier to ignore how big I am instead of trying to work on it. And omg, eating the small amount of healthy food that I do enjoy is so fricking boring!!! I do well for a while, but there always comes a point where it’s just too hard to keep putting so much effort into weight loss, and it mostly seems like if I’m not losing weight, then I’m gaining it – I haven’t had much in the way of just maintaining weight lately. And it’s daunting when it feels like no matter how much I might lose, I’ll always have to keep so much focus on my weight in order to have a chance of maintaining it. I only have so much willpower to go around, and honestly, there’s a part of me that would rather stay fat than think about working that hard for the rest of my life to control my weight.
But I’m 40 this year. At this weight, my size hampers me more than it ever has. I’ll sprain a knee every few months, and it takes a lot longer to heal than it used to. I had to walk a lot more than usual this spring while I took care of an ill loved one, and my legs and back hurt for weeks. I don’t want to be going into the rest of my life with this as my starting point.
So I’m starting again. I’ve gotten back on the Rybelsus, and I’m tracking my food and trying to push protein more than anything. There’s been a lot of saying I’ll walk and not actually doing it, but I’m trying. And I’m almost down to 300 lbs again!
I’m hopeful that being in this community, being able to talk about weight issues among people who understand what it’s like, will make things a bit easier. I want to try to focus on quality of life over just weight loss. I want to be stronger, have more stamina. I want to not always be thinking about what I’m going to eat next. I just… things need to be better than this.
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